You know when you feel like you're giving more than you‘re receiving? Like what’s supposed to be a two-way give and take relationship is starting to feel pretty one sided?
After confiding in my therapist enough about not getting what I wanted out of the relationships in my life and always feeling disappointed, she finally talked to me about setting boundaries.
As I sat there with a deer in the headlights look, I realized I didn’t know what setting a boundary was or even looked like.
I mean come on, when you grow up in a two bedroom house with four people, one bathroom, and no door on your bedroom...there is no such thing as boundaries. 😅
So, I want to share some of the boundaries I have placed for myself that have been game changing, to my life.
What My Boundaries Look Like:
- My Body, My Choice
What I put into my body, what I put on my body, how I present my body, . how I feel about my body
- Going Home When I’m Ready, Not When Everyone Else Is
This one is hard for me, but it's a life saver. I'm used to being the one who's "last to leave the party" and only going home until everyone else is ready. Remembering that no one is going to be mad at me and I'm not "missing out" has allowed me to go home when my social tank is ready.
- Taking Alone Time After My Responsibilities Are Done
My anxiety can make me restless. Sometimes I get “lazy guilt” where if I'm Not running around 24/7 I feel like I’m not doing something I should be. I have to remind myself I deserve time to myself.
- I Don’t Need Acceptance on What I Like
No one else has to like what I like, or what I think is cool doesn't have to be cool to others
- My Choice Don’t Require an Explanation
I don't owe anyone an explanation for how I live my life- What job I have, how I spend my time, the things I like. I am an adult; my choices are mine, not anyone else's.
- Chores Done on My Time
This one for my people out there living with anyone who has OCD. My mother, sister, and now boyfriend all have it....lucky me.🙃 Not everyone lives a spotless life, I know I sure don’t. No one should have to feel guilty for that. Don’t be a pig, but it’s okay to not have everything in order ALL the time.
- I Can Go Places Alone
I used to be scared to go places alone, like I was going to get kidnapped. Even if I was at the grocery store, a man would walk past me and I would get so uncomfortable. Keeping my spiritual relationship with Source helps me feel stronger alone. I don't have to worry about what I can't control; God takes care of that for me.
- I Don’t Need to Ask for Permission, I AM AN ADULT
Have I mentioned I am an adult yet? This one has to be burned into my brain on a daily basis. Getting myself out of a kid mindset.
- I Don’t Have To Talk About Anything Until I’m Ready
Pushing my buttons only leads me to say things out of spite. I have to push the “pause button” and come back to the conversation after a 5-15 minute break to be productive.
- I’m Allowed to Go Out with Just Girlfriends
My boyfriend always invites me everywhere he’s invited, which is great, but I don’t want to invite him everywhere I go with my friends...AND THAT’S OKAY. I used to feel guilty, but I’m allowed to have time away from him.
- I Can Only Help Others Once My Needs Are Met
You know the saying...Got to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. This one is difficult because it's a fine line of helping others when they need it and not running yourself too thin. I have a hard time saying no, but I’ve found expressing how much you would like to help and working out a time when you are available makes it easier to say “no.”
- My Mental Health or Cycle Is Not Always the Reason for My Mood, My FEELINGS ARE VALID
"Are you on your period?" "Did you take your meds?" My feelings are valid no matter what time of the month it is, and I take care of my mental energy. I FEEL WHAT I FEEL.
It honestly took about two months after planting that seed for me to actually come up with some areas I would like to place some safeguards up, in my life.
I had and continue to have to say these like mantras and affirmations to get my brain to believe it and change my habits.
Now when I have a thought that goes against these safeguards, I automatically remember my boundaries and give myself reassurance to do what’s best for me and my happiness.
When you're used to people-pleasing and having a communist mindset, setting boundaries can feel selfish or foreign.
But really, it’s an act of self-love to yourself to keep you from spreading yourself too thin and hurting more than you should.
My name is Kenzie Zirkelbach and I’m the creator behind ZirkZine, which is an online publication built to showcase authenticity in the everyday. I believe a strong mind, body and spirit is the best way to achieve happiness. Through spirituality, confidence and a healthy diet, with exercise, is what I believe is the best way to achieve any goal. My blog will provide raw emotions and dialogue because reality has no filters. I hope to build a close niche community who brings people together and lifts each other up. As always, thank you for reading and engaging in this community.